So, we know it’s a long one and that has to change….Unfortunately I don’t have too many suggestions for that. The language is very descriptive which I like, so I wouldn’t suggested cutting lines out randomly. Possibly it’s that a few of the beginning paragraphs need to go? I’m not so sure though, see what you can come up with…
I do have a few points just in relation to integration.
1) What are the ‘black dot stickers’ on the windows? If they mean something profound to you then let us know more and we can try and integrate the idea into the other pieces. If they are not vital, maybe that description is one which can go…?
2) I think you’re point about ‘capturing this chronologically’ is in fact spot on. But I’m just a tad confused with your own chronological order... I think it possible goes back too far in time? Are we talking 2010ish + the 12 years of time, which were his sentence? If so, maybe bring it forward 5 years, to just before the TNA was started. This would integrate more with the ideas in the glossary, general timeline and would lead us up to now, 2027. If that were the case, it would also be as though his ‘censorship’ just happened to him, and would justify the fact that he is in a state of emergency himself. That he is finding it too hard to grapple with his ‘Senseless’ situation! (Something which really comes out in your story!)
3) Also, the fuel crisis in that case can probably be brought forward to about 2013 or something…? I think going much past that date is going a bit too far into the past…See what you can do.
4) Finally, in talking about the way you were captured, I think you need to re-read Joseph’s script. You incorporated the idea of needles (or maybe he took it from you??), but I feel if you could successfully link his science-fiction tone into your rugged environment it would make for an interesting integration.
And other than that I think the ending and the revelations that occur throughout are strong. Keep in mind that they are the core of what you want to say, so work with making those points the clearest and you should be able to shorten it, and still affect the audience, like you do.
Some feedback/suggestions
So, we know it’s a long one and that has to change….Unfortunately I don’t have too many suggestions for that. The language is very descriptive which I like, so I wouldn’t suggested cutting lines out randomly. Possibly it’s that a few of the beginning paragraphs need to go? I’m not so sure though, see what you can come up with…
I do have a few points just in relation to integration.
1) What are the ‘black dot stickers’ on the windows? If they mean something profound to you then let us know more and we can try and integrate the idea into the other pieces. If they are not vital, maybe that description is one which can go…?
2) I think you’re point about ‘capturing this chronologically’ is in fact spot on. But I’m just a tad confused with your own chronological order... I think it possible goes back too far in time? Are we talking 2010ish + the 12 years of time, which were his sentence? If so, maybe bring it forward 5 years, to just before the TNA was started. This would integrate more with the ideas in the glossary, general timeline and would lead us up to now, 2027. If that were the case, it would also be as though his ‘censorship’ just happened to him, and would justify the fact that he is in a state of emergency himself. That he is finding it too hard to grapple with his ‘Senseless’ situation! (Something which really comes out in your story!)
3) Also, the fuel crisis in that case can probably be brought forward to about 2013 or something…? I think going much past that date is going a bit too far into the past…See what you can do.
4) Finally, in talking about the way you were captured, I think you need to re-read Joseph’s script. You incorporated the idea of needles (or maybe he took it from you??), but I feel if you could successfully link his science-fiction tone into your rugged environment it would make for an interesting integration.
And other than that I think the ending and the revelations that occur throughout are strong. Keep in mind that they are the core of what you want to say, so work with making those points the clearest and you should be able to shorten it, and still affect the audience, like you do.
All the best,
Liv